Fifty shades of throwback

Just read a terrific review of the new printed sensation – I’m sure not going to call it ‘literary sensation’ – in my Danish newspaper, Weekendavisen. It’s written by Leonora Christina Skov & is entitled Fifty Shades of Fucked Up. Dang – that’s exactly what I would have called this blog. Leonora has actually read the thing, which I have not, so I believe her report. She’s one of my favorite reviewers.

By now it’s clear I’m referring to Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James, who claims she’s just writing her midlife crisis fantasies & had originally imagined them going on – & on & on – between Edward Cullen & Bella Swan. Discerning fans of this Twilit couple asked her to knock it off; she was grossing them out. Perhaps, speculates Leonora Christina Skov, that’s why Mr. Grey seems 527 years old rather than the 27 he’s said to be. And then she adds, “I would prefer not to believe that women everywhere dream about being a little inexperienced girl, who is dominated in every area of her life by Father with a Strap.” (my translation)

I’m all for sexual fantasies & good sex scenes too. Yum! They’re even more fun to write than read. Way back in 1991 I wrote a short story about a girl who is almost done by a horny panther before its trainer takes over. The trainer set up the encounter, goaded by the green-eyed monster jealousy, but both he & she realize their feelings for each other at the crucial moment & he is a good guy as well as a good lay. It seems so tame now, but I had to choose between my favorite women’s magazine, ALT for damerne & the soft porn rag Cupido. Both wanted my little fantasy, but I chose the women’s magazine because that version seemed more true to my main character. In both versions this nice guy finishes first. I chose him too – anyway the man he’s modeled after. He’s even better now & I am privileged.

I would seriously hate men to get the idea that spanking & domination are what women really want. I mean, they have enough dumb ideas already, thanks to the conflicting signals we’re so good at sending & so bad at thinking through. The 2 things that make me least proud of my sex are related: 1. the way any man who smells of power, no matter how corrupt, repulsive, primitive or just plain fat can command a whole gaggle of girls queuing up to drop their knickers for him & 2. the seemingly irresistible charm of Bad Boys. I have an English friend who’s an ex-bad boy. He says he & his youthful bad company scored often with upper class girls wanting an adventure before they married their banker fiancé. (Of course, bankers are often more ruthless than motorcycle bullies, but that’s another story.) I had mine in my 20s – sexy second-generation Italian who actually read good books. Whew – got that out of my system. It’s the otherwise sensible women who insist on marrying a bad boy & lame-ducking him for 20 years before they figure it out that I don’t get.

Remember “Chandler” complaining in an early episode of Friends: “When she says, Chandler, you’re such a nice guy, that means ‘I’m going to date a creep on a motorcycle & complain about him to you.’.” Right on. Too bad. Yes, the domestic male ideal from the 70s is just as useless as today’s tough dude, but dang, sisters! Are we ever going to make it past our lust for Mr. Hyde? Do we love hassles & humiliation that much, even though we can earn our own money & are often smarter than those tough dudes by a hefty margin? We talk a lot about equality. When will we let it into the bedroom? As a last note, I will repeat the question asked by a Danish standup comic whose name escapes me: “When did you ever hear a man say, She’s too sweet; I need a half-psychopathic bitch to give me some resistance?” Exactly.

Fifty shades of damned throwback! Grow up & try some mutual lust with a brain behind it, can’t we? Leonora Christina Skov is worth reading – not E.L. James.

Kort dansk opsummering: Har lige læst en rammende anmeldelse af den nye trykte sensation – jeg nægter at kalde den ‘litterære sensation’ – i Weekendavisen. Den er skrevet af Leonora Christina Skov og hedder Fifty Shades of Fucked Up. Pokkers! Den ville ellers være titlen på denne blog! Leonora har ren faktisk læst tingesten, hvilket jeg ikke har, så jeg tror på hendes rapport. Hun er en af mine yndlings anmeldere.

Nu ved alle at jeg refererer til Fifty Shades – Fanget af E.L. James, som hævder at hun blot skriver sin midtlivs krise fantasier og mente at de skulle foregå mellem Edward Cullen og Bella Swan, men fans af denne Twilight par bad hende holde op; de var – i et ord – bvadr. Det får Leonora Christina Skov til at spekulere om, det er derfor Mr. Grey ligner mere en 527-årig end de 27 år han i virkeligheden er. Så tilføjer hun: ”Jeg vil helst ikke tro, at det, alverdens kvinder drømmer om, er at være en lille uerfaren pige, der i alle livets forhold bliver domineret af Far Med Spanskrøret.”

Jeg har det fint med seksuelle fantasier samt med gode sex scener. Mums! De er endnu sjovere at skrive end at læse. Tilbage i 1991 skrev jeg en novelle om en pige, der er lige ved at blive ordnet af en brunstig panter, før dens træner tager over. Træneren er en flink fyr såvel som en god knald og jeg ville have, at den gode fyr skulle vinde, for en gangs skyld. Det virker så tam nu, men den gang ville både ALT for damerne og Cupido trykke min lille fantasi – jeg valgte ALT for damerne. Også manden, der står model til panter-træneren. Jeg er privilegeret – indrømmet.

Jeg ville virkelig hade det hvis mænd begynder at tro, at spanking og domination er det, kvinder virkelig ønsker. Jeg mener, de har allerede tilstrækkelig mange dumme ideer, takket være de modsatrettede signaler vi er så gode til at sende ud og så dårlige til at tænke igennem. De 2 ting der gør mig mindst stolt af mit køn er beslægtet: 1. at enhver mand, der lugter af magt – lige meget hvor korrupt, frastødende, primitiv eller bare fed – har en hel gåseflok af piger klare til at smide trusserne og 2. Bad Boys’ tilsyneladende uimodståelige charme. Som eventyr hen af vejen – ja. Har været der selv. Det er de ellers velfungerende kvinder, der absolut skal gifte sig og slæbe ham med i 20 år før de regner den ud, som jeg ikke grejer. Den bløde mand i 70erne var en lige så stor misforståelse som nutidens seje dude, men hvornår tager vi ligestilling alvorligt, også i sengen? Vi snakker jo om den hele tiden. Som en standup komiker, hvis navn jeg desværre har glemt, udtrykte det: ”Hvornår har du nogensinde hørt en mand sige, Hun er for sød. Jeg skal have en halvpsykopatisk bitch, der kan give mig modstand.?” Netop.

Fifty shades af forbandet falliterklæring! Skip Mr. Grey, voks op og prøv noget gensidig lyst med en hjerne bag, kan vi ikke? Leonora Christina Skov er værd at læse, ikke E.L. James.