The eastern & western view

I have a good Slovakian friend, Daniela. We have very different ways of seeing things. “Things” in this case being what’s considered good & bad behavior. Daniela likes “naughty” people best. That’s the word she uses, often applied to men. What she calls naughty I would usually consider plain egotistical. Throw in greedy if it’s someone bending rules for his gain – but there I guess Daniela would also draw the line. She has a doctor friend who took advantage of his status, to say the least, & griped when that got harder under democratic governments (more or less democratic in our eyes, but more than before). They quarreled & are not such good buds anymore.

Then there’s the movies. Often enough in western films, the individual who takes on the system triumphs in the end, but NEVER in Eastern European films. He/she is always crushed. More realistic than ours mainly, but western individuals win just often enough to keep feeding the film makers. I suppose that explains Daniela’s tendency to see films with tragic social themes & Danish film makers are good at churning those out. I just think they’re dreary & generally feel only a little sympathy with the suffering main character – just wishing he/she would get it together & quit blaming everybody else.

Under 40 years of commie repression, any little act of defiance was also a little light in the darkness. Hence Daniela’s preference for naughty people. She once told me they had a proverb in Slovakia: “If you don’t  steal from the government, you steal from your family.” So there it is – not selfish, rather your civic duty in the face of un-civil tyranny. A sign of strength even. To me – member of a privileged society – it’s a huge sign of weakness & lacking integrity. Causes some heated discussions. Also makes it very interesting to be friends. A privilege.

De østlige og vestlige synspunkter

Jeg har en god slovakisk veninde, Daniela. Vi ser ting meget forskelligt. ”Ting” i dette tilfælde betyder hvad der anses for god og dårlig opførsel. Daniela kan lide “uartige” mennesker. Uartig er ordet, hun bruger. Jeg ville sige slet og ret egoistiske. ...

Så er der biografen. Tit, i vestlige film, individet, der udfordrer systemet, sejrer. ALDRIG i østeuropæiske film. Han/hun bliver altid knust. Nok mere realistisk, men vestlige individer vinder nøjagtig tit nok til at fodre filmskaberne. Det forklarer måske Danielas hang til sociale tragedier såsom sidste års Submarino. Danske filmskabere er god til at forsyne markedet. Jeg synes bare de er trælse og har begrænset sympati med de lidende hovedpersoner – ønsker vedkommende ville tage sig sammen og holde op med at beskylde alle andre.

Under 40 års kommunistiske undertrykkelse var enhver lille oprør også et lille lys i mørket. Derfor foretrækker Daniela uartige mennesker. Hun fortalte mig en gang, at der var et slovakisk ordsprog der lød, “Hvis du ikke stjæler fra regeringen, stjæler du fra din familie.”  Så der var den – ikke selvisk, men egentlig ens borgerpligt i et borgerfjendtligt samfund. Tegn på styrke, såmænd. For mig – borger i et priviligeret samfund – er det tegn på svaghed og manglende troværdighed. Forårsager nogle heftige diskussioner. Også gør det interessant at være venner. Et privilegium.

Serious regret - continued from yesterday

Serious regret is having night thoughts you can’t escape by playing the radio because you’ve let your kids down time & again, often in the throes of love with some dude who proved unworthy. That's what basically killed my mother-in-law, tragically.

Serious regret is also realizing that what you did most was criticize your kids for everything they did that veered from the path you had set.

Alternatively – if you took never-going-to-make-the –same-mistakes-Mom-with-me to the extreme & invented a whole bunch of new ones. But at least that shows originality.

Serious regret can also be blaming Mom & Dad for everything that went wrong & not owning up to what you did until too late. That one’s a real bitch.

Serious regret about self sabotage & all the things you didn’t dare is bad too, because the regret burns a lot of energy – as big a waste as putting toothpaste tubes in a box with plastic around it or wrapping individual throat lozenges in wax paper. (Thought I’d throw in a little ecology there.)

So – can you just get on with it by thinking positive or using cognitive therapy? Is serious regret only for wusses? I’m still working that one out.

And what about acceptng the decline of the body? Not a regret, but a sorrow, or, if you are Mark Twain, a wanton insult. If you see it that way it's going to be tough aging.
Good grief, I'm sounding sanctimonious. Yucchh! Too bad I can't write like Mark Twain.

Decline of the body & serious regret - only one thing to do: fight it all the way, but try to be zen when it's time to surrender.

How to Forgive when you can’t Forget

At a terrific short course in cognitive therapy & social angst yesterday. Cognitive therapy is brilliant, think I, & deceptively simple. Especially that not-so-simple question: What’s the worst that can happen? Usually not as bad as we crack it up to be, is it? But sometimes it is & you have to take that seriously. I will use cognitive therapy on myself – works fine with meditation too. BUT it brought up an old memory I would SO like to forget, about once when I sabotaged what may – or may not – have been a big chance for my youngest. Of course I did it with the best intentions, but that does not make me feel any better afterwards. If he can even remember, I know he’s forgiven me as I would forgive any of my best beloveds. Forgiving myself is the bitch.

Who does what out there?

The cognitive therapy/meditative method works best here – just a conversation with myself remembering my motives, however idiotic they seem now. That “it seemed like a good idea at the time” thing can’t be beat. Neither can it entirely erase the regret.

When I was young, I was never going to end up feeling I’d missed out, like Mom. No no no, dissatisfaction was never going to strike me. That’s what we all thought. The Buddhist maxim that he who expects nothing will never be disappointed is true, but it’s too passive for me, entirely too passive. I will always require after-the-fact cognitive therapy.

When people die unsatisfied, it’s what they didn’t do, didn’t dare, didn’t take the time for that embitters their end, not (usually) the active disasters. None of us wants to end like that, especially my/our Do your own thing & Love means never having to say you’re sorry & similar blather generation. But dissatisfaction is one thing. Serious regret is quite another.

To be continued tomorrow  ….

Hvordan tilgiver når man ikke kan glemme?

Med på et godt fyraftensmøde om kognitiv terapi & social angst i går. Kognitiv terapi er genial, synes jeg, samt enkel – tilsyneladende. Særlig den ikke-så-enkel spørgsmål: Hvad er det værste, der kan ske? For det meste ikke så slemt som vi gør det til, vel? Men nogle gange er det & man er nødt til at tage det alvorligt. Jeg bruger kognitiv terapi på mig selv – virker fint med meditation også. MEN den fiskede op en gammel minde jeg vil SÅ gerne glemme, om den gang jeg saboterede – måske – en stor chance for min yngste. Selvfølgelig med de bedste intentioner, men derfor har jeg det ikke bedre bagefter. Hvis han overhovedet kan huske, har han tilgivet mig som jeg tilgiver alle mine kære. At tilgive mig selv er det svære.

Hvem gør hvad derude?

Kognitiv terapi/meditativ metoden virker bedst her. Blot en samtale med mig selv hvor jeg husker mine motiver, om de nu lyder noget så åndsvage. Det med ”det virkede som en god ide på det tidspunkt” kan ikke sloges. Og heller ikke slette fortrydelsen.

Da jeg var ung, ville jeg aldrig føle, at jeg gik glip af noget, som Mom. Nej nej, utilfredshed ville altid ramme mig. Det troede vi allesammen. Den buddhistiske tanke om, at den der ikke forventer noget bliver aldrig skuffet er sand, men for passiv til mig, alt for passiv. Jeg vil altid have brug for kognitiv terapi bagefter.

Når mennesker dør utilfreds, er det alt det, de ikke lavede, ikke turde, ikke gav sig tid til der forgiver deres endeligt, ikke (for det meste) de aktive katastrofer. Ingen ville ende sådan, især ikke min/vores MIG-universets centrum generation. Men utilfredshed er én ting. Alvorlig fortrydelse er en ganske anden.

Fortsættes i morgen ….