How to Forgive when you can’t Forget

At a terrific short course in cognitive therapy & social angst yesterday. Cognitive therapy is brilliant, think I, & deceptively simple. Especially that not-so-simple question: What’s the worst that can happen? Usually not as bad as we crack it up to be, is it? But sometimes it is & you have to take that seriously. I will use cognitive therapy on myself – works fine with meditation too. BUT it brought up an old memory I would SO like to forget, about once when I sabotaged what may – or may not – have been a big chance for my youngest. Of course I did it with the best intentions, but that does not make me feel any better afterwards. If he can even remember, I know he’s forgiven me as I would forgive any of my best beloveds. Forgiving myself is the bitch.

Who does what out there?

The cognitive therapy/meditative method works best here – just a conversation with myself remembering my motives, however idiotic they seem now. That “it seemed like a good idea at the time” thing can’t be beat. Neither can it entirely erase the regret.

When I was young, I was never going to end up feeling I’d missed out, like Mom. No no no, dissatisfaction was never going to strike me. That’s what we all thought. The Buddhist maxim that he who expects nothing will never be disappointed is true, but it’s too passive for me, entirely too passive. I will always require after-the-fact cognitive therapy.

When people die unsatisfied, it’s what they didn’t do, didn’t dare, didn’t take the time for that embitters their end, not (usually) the active disasters. None of us wants to end like that, especially my/our Do your own thing & Love means never having to say you’re sorry & similar blather generation. But dissatisfaction is one thing. Serious regret is quite another.

To be continued tomorrow  ….

Hvordan tilgiver når man ikke kan glemme?

Med på et godt fyraftensmøde om kognitiv terapi & social angst i går. Kognitiv terapi er genial, synes jeg, samt enkel – tilsyneladende. Særlig den ikke-så-enkel spørgsmål: Hvad er det værste, der kan ske? For det meste ikke så slemt som vi gør det til, vel? Men nogle gange er det & man er nødt til at tage det alvorligt. Jeg bruger kognitiv terapi på mig selv – virker fint med meditation også. MEN den fiskede op en gammel minde jeg vil SÅ gerne glemme, om den gang jeg saboterede – måske – en stor chance for min yngste. Selvfølgelig med de bedste intentioner, men derfor har jeg det ikke bedre bagefter. Hvis han overhovedet kan huske, har han tilgivet mig som jeg tilgiver alle mine kære. At tilgive mig selv er det svære.

Hvem gør hvad derude?

Kognitiv terapi/meditativ metoden virker bedst her. Blot en samtale med mig selv hvor jeg husker mine motiver, om de nu lyder noget så åndsvage. Det med ”det virkede som en god ide på det tidspunkt” kan ikke sloges. Og heller ikke slette fortrydelsen.

Da jeg var ung, ville jeg aldrig føle, at jeg gik glip af noget, som Mom. Nej nej, utilfredshed ville altid ramme mig. Det troede vi allesammen. Den buddhistiske tanke om, at den der ikke forventer noget bliver aldrig skuffet er sand, men for passiv til mig, alt for passiv. Jeg vil altid have brug for kognitiv terapi bagefter.

Når mennesker dør utilfreds, er det alt det, de ikke lavede, ikke turde, ikke gav sig tid til der forgiver deres endeligt, ikke (for det meste) de aktive katastrofer. Ingen ville ende sådan, især ikke min/vores MIG-universets centrum generation. Men utilfredshed er én ting. Alvorlig fortrydelse er en ganske anden.

Fortsættes i morgen ….